Heavy Street

The Last Living Slut (Born in Iran, Bred Backstage) is basically a tell all book that makes The Dirt look like a G Rated Disney read. TLLS is the memoir of Roxana Shirazi, who was raised traditionally in Tehran and moved to London when she was 10. Roxana holds a master of fine arts degree, and when she isn’t doing things backstage at shows that would make your humble narrator blush, she speaks at international women’s conferences about gender theory and globalization. In this book, Roxana talks about her sexcapades backstage with various members of Motley Crue, Guns N Roses, Buckcherry, and a whole whack of others. No gory detail is left behind.

Several editors passed on The Last Living Slut for fear of a fatwa, but Harper Collins got the elephant balls to publish this oh-so-filthy read. Roxana has stated that if she ever does go back to Tehran, she will most likely be killed. Ms. Shirazi is the new, improved, and less hairy Salman Rushdie. Something also tells me there is gonna be a landmine of lawsuits in the near future with this book.

The Last Living Slut hits shelves June 1st. Already many book stores are refusing to carry this fine read. You may have to go to Amazon to purchase it….or go to the Home and Gardening section of your local public library.

Not only is Pretty Boy Floyd on the celebratory side of all that is fabulous. When it comes to “thinking person’s metal”, this band reigns supreme. Some would say Queensryche, or Dream Theatre, but many metal historians would argue that is was PBF. I would tend to agree, as this band were way ahead of their time. Why the Dalai Lama won the Nobel Peace prize and Steve Summers didn’t is beyond me. While the Dalai was wining and dining with Prime Ministers around the world, Pretty Boy Floyd were spreading their message of peace, and tolerance with songs like “Leather Boyz With Electric Toys” and “Rock and Roll Outlaws”.

In terms of thought provoking, challenging lyrical content, Pretty Boy Floyd had it all. The first time I listened to them, I got a sense that a musical revolution far greater than grunge was going to transpire, but it fell on deaf ears by the youth for some strange reason. The band was signed to MCA, and dropped after releasing one album. This was very unfortunate, as they deserved to have a rich back catalogue of material, but alas it was not meant to be.

I used to also wonder where bands like Grizzly Bear, Gang Gang Dance, And MGMT got all their inspiration from, and now I know. These Brooklyn hipster doofus’s owe it all to these original indie rock kings. The street cred of Pretty Boy Floyd just oozes from the performance of this video, as you will see. Some people say that drum stick twirling, playing the guitar while its positioned between the crotch, and pouting your lips while staring at the video screen started with Broken Social Scene, but that information is incorrect.

If this song doesn’t inspire you to climb a mountain, or take up jousting, then I don’t know what will.

Johnny Crash were the real deal, dirty rock rats. This band came out of the late 80′s Sunset Strip hard rock scene. Crash’s time was short lived. They put out one record in 1990, toured a bit with Bonham, and Motley Crue, then vanished into thin air. Too bad though, as with a lil’ luck, they could have dethroned the hard rock kings AC/DC.

With Christmas only seven months away, Heavystreet has the best stocking stuffer suggestion for your dark hearted loved ones. This black metal Barack Obama doll is perfect for any left leaning black metal fan who wants change.

Black metal fans are seen in a blasphemous light, ever since Varg Vikernes dished out some anti-immigrant quotes in the media 17 years ago, everyone thinks these fine Burzum loving lads are all right wing radicals. Not at all, as after a long day practicing the dark arts, many black metal fans come home, put their slippers on, turn the channel to CNN, and pray to their dark lord that the health care bill gets passed through (praying to the dark one got some of the bill passed!).

See, when a black metal musician goes into the cold, freezing forest to do the photo shoot for the album cover shot, and ends up getting frost bite, or hypothermia, who foots the bill? Presently, its the black metal musician, but with Obama’s administration things could change, and the black metal fans would reap the rewards, as their would be more album cover shots of black metal bands posing in icy cold forests. Winter never felt so good!!

So, what I’m trying to say, is that next time you see some one on the street pass you by with corpse paint on their face, wearing a Bestial Warlust long sleeve shirt , please don’t be so quick to judge. Not all of these fine samaritans are right wing nuts, and this doll would be the perfect present for them.

Times are tough all over these days. Especially if you’re a black metal band from India. These boys didn’t have any money for corpse paint, so instead they decided to head over to the nearest graveyard, and do their intimidating black metal poses in front of a Jesus statue.

I’m assuming the guy in the middle with his arms crossed is the leader of the band. He looks the most menacing, and blasphemous out of them all. These guys make Immortal look like girl scouts.

This is an older song by one of my favorite stoner rock bands ever Electric Wizard, and the track is called “Ivixor B”. This is 1:57 minutes of pure psychotic, evil sexiness my fellow droogs.

The first time I heard this song, I was totally enraptured by it’s middle eastern, doomy aura. I’ve never actually killed anyone before. Well that’s not entirley true, I did dream the other day that I knocked off that damn neighbor of mine who decides to keep his dog off leash in the courtyard. “Ivixor B” would be the song to have in the background after the bloody carnage is complete.

Turn off the lights, close your eyes, and really listen to this. You’ll get what I’m trying to convey.

This is another oldie but goodie. “Drive Fast, Take Chances” is done by San Francisco doom metal merchants Acid King. The first time I heard this, I was ironically driving and had to pull over to take it all in. “Drive Fast” sways, and grooves with the best of em’, but there’s a creepy, backwoods, Deliverance kind of feel to this. The secret ingredient is the vocals, as Lori has got one of the most soulful voices out there.

This song can be found on the classic gem Busse Woods. Probably the best of the batch on the late Mans Ruin Records catalogue. Acid King was, and sill is a great stoner rock treasure.

I was eating a bowl of organic low fat yogurt with fresh blueberries, when I popped in this CD. My ears were not prepared for the blasphemous sounds coming out of the speakers. This is mid-80′s Bathory on a whole other level folks. Raw, and dirty, just the way your humble narrator likes his black metal. These fine lads also get an extra point for creating one of the most unreadable band logos in metal.

Just got word that Rick Astley might be staging a comeback. Got this news while I was listening to Life Of Agony’s classic first album River Runs Red. Is it just me, or was Rick Astley a huge influence on LOA’s lead singer Keith Caputo? I mean, Keith just nails the 80′s UK heart throbs style dead on.

The first time I heard Life Of Agony was when their video for “Through And Through” came on MuchMusic’s Power Hour. I actually thought that Rick Astley had started a New York Hardcore side project. I mean, if you actually look at the video, Keith not only sings like Rick, but even looks like him.

As for Life Of Agony themselves, well they sucked large after the first record. The band was never able to recapture the fury of River Runs Red. It’s still a classic to this day, and gets name dropped by a lot of younger hardcore bands out there.

In regards to Rick Astley’s comeback, well maybe Life Of Agony can open up the West Coast leg of the US tour. Just makes sense. Anyways, hear for yourself…

Life Of Agony – Through And Through

I know, you’re in your late 30′s, at a metal show, and you’ve spotted THE girl you want to take back to your parents basement. The only problem is you cant think of anything to say to her. Well Dr. Sat has the answer. I have come up with some perfect pick up lines that you male metal heads can use at the next Immolation or Soilwork show. My friend Lunchbox has claimed these work:

“Hey I just brought the new Carpathian Forest on vinyl. Wanna go back to my place n’ give it a spin”

“Did you know Cynic has decided to perform Focus in it’s entirety on their upcoming tour?”

“The merch table has one last Pestilence shirt in girls xtra large…I’ll buy it for you”

“I just got word that Mike Portnoy from Dream Theatre and Mikael Akerfeldt of Opeth have a side project going on. I hope it’s better than Liquid Tension Experiment. What do you think?”

“I’ve heard the new Rotting Christ….don’t bother”

“I prefer Three Sides To Every Story over Pornographitti”

“Why don’t we go back to my place, and get we can start our own circle pit”

There you go lads. As you can see below, the first couple met at a Gorgoroth show, and the other dude scored those two girls at the Summer Slaughter 2009 tour. Without these lines, they would have gone home with only their tour shirt in hand. You can thank me later.

It’s been known since last year that Nicholas Cage’s son Weston “Arcane” Cage has a black metal band called Eyes Of Nocturne. What I really wanna know is how dad deals with the decibel levels, when Arcane blasts those blasphemous sounds from his room. Maybe it goes a lil’ like this:

Nicholas Cage: “Son turn that shit down!!!”

Arcane: “Dad, this isn’t shit, this is the new Carpathian Forest full length album that just came out!”

Nicholas Cage: “I don’t give a shit. I gotta memorise the lines to this stupid, ridiculous script for Bangkok Dangerous, and I need some quiet”

Arcane: “OK, dad. I’ll turn it down, just for you”

Nicholas Cage: “Thanks son. I’ll tell you what, let me finish these lines and I’ll take you to Dairy Queen for some Oreo Blizzards”

Arcane: “Cool Dad! Maybe we can eat the Blizzards while listening to Immortal’s Blizzard Beasts”

Nicholas Cage: “Shut up son.”